Fuuuckckckkkk

My official idol: Kurt Cobain.
Just letting the world know that if you have a twisted sense of humor, ever felt unloved, or ever felt like the world is a fucked up place, this dude's music can change your life. Ive liked Nirvana for a long time but Ive never taken the time to think about what kind of person Kurt was. Apart from the suicidalness and the heroine addiction, I feel like he would have been a great guy to be around.

Apart from that, life's been shitty. I'm so sick of people expecting me to be a certain way. My black family says I'm too white. My emo friends think i should be more emo. FUCK LABELS. WHAT THE FUCK!!?!? And don't people realize that being 'indie' and then bragging about how much more hardcore you are than some other fuck face in a cardigan does not make you a cool person? It just makes you a fucking poser. You are not cool. Your music is shit. I'm happy that your happy with being a douche with your vinyl and vintage clothes. Your family has a whole shit load of money and yet you go to the thrift store and then tell everyone cuz that makes you cool? Look bitch. I'M poor. I HAVE to shop there. I can't afford new fucking clothes every season. You people are an embarrassment. Flannels. Fuuckckkckcking flannels. I have many. Cuz i live in Michigan and it gets pretty freaking cold here. I don't get them from Pac Sun. I get mine from the salvation army or tj maxx when my mom decides to spring money on herself and doesn't wanna hear me bitch about being neglected.

My best guy friend would probably hate me if he really knew what I was like. I fucking hate everything. I smile and go through the motions of school and whatnot. But everyday I wake up is one less day I'll have to wake up later. I'm not suicidal anymore but this really bugs me. I'm a generally unhappy person. Anyone who doesn't know that is a retard. I'm also really quiet. I don't like parties. I don't waste my time on trying to please other people with my appearance. I look like me. Fuck everything else.
Goddess. Something good has to happen soon. Or something so bad that everything i have to deal with now seems okay. This whole loner-pissed off chick with the old clothes and ipod permanently attached to her ears with an angry look on her face thing is NOT working.

Eat Pray Love

Today has been the best day I've had with my mother in a long time. She took us out to lunch and we went to go see Eat Pray Love.
I love this movie.
This woman went through a painful divorce and got in a relationship with a local actor. She took a year off and went to Italy, India, and Bali.
I know that it was just a movie, but I can't help but want to go through the same transformation. She was heartbroken and hurt and caught up in the commercial lifestyle of us Americans. She ended up a strong woman who fell in love with this Brazilian man. But the fact that she meditated and had a new found 'family' made her strong and able to love someone again. She forgave herself.
I've decided to take up meditation. I think that being more self-aware is a step in the right direction... Whatever direction that is. Am I too young to be in a slump? My life lacks all form of ambition. I find myself getting caught up in the most trivial and irrelevant issues. Granted, it is common amongst my age group, but I've always been more mature than the average person my age. I want to change. There are two ways my life could go. I want to see the world. I want to be a writer and move all around meeting fantastic people and learning more and more about myself every day. I want to be an inspiration to others and myself. I want to be this incredibly intelligent, strong, independent woman who and conquer anything life sends her way. The other option is to fall in love and have a cute little family. I could become a teacher and live in Massachusetts after going to college in Salem. I could have multiple children and be normal and happy with my quaint little family and lifestyle. But I feel that the latter option would be a waste of potential. I've always been told that I'm a bright girl and that I have a large amount of potential. If I had drive to accomplish something, I could.
Example- Getting a B on my honors biology final or writing a poem that got published in a book. (Both of which I succeeded in when I put my heart into it.) I have a drive to see the world. I have a drive to learn about foreign culture and bring awareness to the ignorant people of the world. I want to change the lives of millions. But.... How exactly do I go about doing that??
J.K Rowling is a large role model of mine. She changed the lives of many by her fictional writing. Even though it wasn't a profound change, she changed the media and the world of fantasy fiction forever.
God/Goddess give me a sign! Tell me what to do. I want to be an influential person. I want to be a strong, intellectual person without being pretentious and obnoxious. I will eventually want to find love. But i don't want to make mistakes that will ruin my top priorities.

:/

Well... He doesn't hate me.
I guess that's an upside.
We've been texting each other.
It just blows because its not the same.
I know if I told him that, he'd just be like "DUH! We're never gonna be a couple again. You're lucky I'm even talking to you."

Everyone keeps telling me to get over him.
EVERYONE.
I wonder if he knows what he does to me.
I wonder if he'll ever fully forgive me.

I miss him!
I miss the sound of his voice.
I miss his lips.
I miss being held.
I miss looking into his eyes.
I miss catching him staring at me.
I miss holding his hand.
I miss everything about him.

He had my heart.
He still has it.
He just doesn't want it.
What am I supposed to do?
I love him SO MUCH.
I couldn't possibly tell him that.
I hope he knows.

I feel like there is SO MUCH to be said.
He just doesn't want to go there.
I want him to scream at me.
And then I want everything to feel normal.

I know I should feel happy that he is just talking to me.
But I want him back.
And I can't make him want me back.....
I just wish it never happened.
I know a lot would be different....
But I think that's a good thing.
My life has been crap ever since we broke up.
I need him to want me again.
He means the world to me.
I know it makes me sound really desperate and like a stage 5 clinger.
But I do.
I always have.

Fuck waiting for Vernon to realize what he could have had.
He threw that all away.
Fuck waiting for Cody to realize that he should have chosen me.
It wouldn't have worked out.

He is all I want.

Dust

I don't know if you'll forgive me
for being so blind to how you felt.
Don't as me why I couldn't see it.
And that'd take me years to figure out.
And that's not something I know much about.
But there's only one way to find out.
What I know is that I hurt you. Oh.
What I know is that I suck and what I know
Is that I'm sorry.
What I know is that I'm a loser. Yeah.
What I know is I screwed up and then
I never earned your trust.
What I know is that everything I touch
just turns to dust.
____________________________________________________________
Its sad when you make me guilty for something I didn't even do.
I want to hate you.
I want to get pissed and I want to get disgusted when I see you.
But I can't!
I love you. I really do.
I know you think that I was flirting with Vernon.
I was so incredibly happy with you.
Why would I ruin what we had?
Its illogical.
You left the room when I was in it.
You said mean things about me.
You make me feel guilty when I didn't do anything.
I don't know what you think you saw!
You're still Frankie.
I'm still Denae.
And I know you hate me.
I know you don't have feelings for me anymore.
I understand that completely.
But I will ALWAYS love you.

Daddy

I have to reject you from my life.
I can't risk loving you and having you ignore me.
You left me when I was a baby.
Leaving is what you do!
But I cannot deny the fact that I need a father figure.
I've always wanted to be Daddy's Little Girl.
When J.J. was talking to me on my status on Facebook it make me realize that I should be proud of being a part of our family. And I enjoy feeling inspired by someone in my family.
I wish you loved me as much as you should.
I wish you never left me.
I wish you were my daddy, not just my father.
I need you.
And as much I say that I hate you...
I know I'm lying.
I love you.

What I Want

1. Knows all of my favorites.
2. Gives good hugs.
3. Doesn't mind being teased.
4. Would fight for me.
5. Open to my beliefs.
6. Want to have children.
7. Wants to get married.
8. Can cook.
9. Likes desserts.
10. Knows how to hold me.
11. Can make me feel better when I'm depressed.
12. Celebrates Valentine's Day.
13. Will let me keep his hoodies.
14. Will text me at midnight to tell me Happy Birthday.
15. Honestly loves me.
16. Wouldn't leave me.

That Summer

I can remember the first time I ever saw you. I was new on the bus and you sat at the front, talking to EJ.

I can remember the first time you talked to me and we had an actual conversation. I was listening to my ipod. I'm So Sick by Flyleaf was on and you sang it with me... Not so well, I might add.

I can remember the first time you came to my house with Randy. You biked up and down my street screaming my name until I came outside. We went Randy to the park.

We talked about everything.... and nothing. And then the unthinkable happened. You and Kelsey went out. Then you broke up.

And then you moved. Kelsey and I walked over to your house with lovenotes. And then it rained. I was relieved when I realized that Kelsey's ink probably ruined both of them.

And then I saw you again. And you threw flip flops at me and Kelsey as we hid in my computer room.

And then I was chilling in my house drinking a HUGE orange cup of Tampico and eating a bagel in my pajamas. You kept calling me. I never answered. Then Luke showed up at my door. I rolled my eyes and left. You, Kelsey, Reynold, Luke, and I all hung out that day. I think I gave you a quarter of my bagel. And then everyone but me got high. And you were struggling to kiss me. You ended up kissing my cheek. I acted annoyed... I really wasn't. I was blushing like crazy. I would never admit it to anyone but I loved the idea of you liking me at all. I still do to this day.

And then you started wanting to be with Jess and you sent me this very long text about how were better off being friends. I cried a bit.

And then we were going to try again. And it was going very well. And then you were talking to someone else. You tried to tell me the day before valentine's day. Way to be festive. You said that Luke and Jess said stuff to you about how I'm not worth the distance and how I'd never get over Vernon. Both were lies. And I ignored you for a long time.

And then I saw you before credit recovery. And you were like "OHHHH MYYY GODD, Its Denae." Just hearing you say that made me want to cry. I hugged you and ran up stairs.

Everytime I see you, its a painful reminder of how good things used to be between us. You used to be so different. You used to rock a DARE shirt!!! Things werent awkward. Kelsey loves you. that hurst me because I could never even talk to you around her. I couldn't do that to her. I'd never say any of this to your face. There is always going to be a bit of my heart closed off for you, whether you feel the same way about me or not. I miss you very much. And I'll always love you.

.

Okay just because you're better than your parents doesnt mean that youre a good person.
Has it ever occured to you that you only ever talk to me about how fucked up your life is? I never tell you about any of my problems. I know you a. dont care and b. wouldnt do anything about them if you did. I cant stand being your daughter. And my father is WAY worse than you. But once again, that doesnt make you a good person. It just makes you better than 'awful'. You are such a self-involved bitch! No one gives a fuck about how your childhood was! You can't change it! But your fucking up mine and thats not cool. I don't want to grow up and be as bitter and angry and BITCHY as you are. And I am NOT putting my kids through the same dramatic shit.

Frankie I miss you. I miss being able to talk to you about stuff like this. I miss kissing you. I miss everything about you. And I love you.

Kill Me

I'd be absolutely mortified if you ever found this.

I know I'm not ugly.
I know you love me.
I know were best friends.
I know that I'm in love with you.

1. When We Met
2. Pearle's Party
3. The Second Time Around
4. Truth or Dare
5. Homecoming
6. Nancy's Couch
7. Spreitzer's
8. Birthday Party
9. Bonfire

1. When We Met
Pearle and I had grown apart for about a year. Laura was always talking about how she had new friends now. And You sounded weird. But When I actually met you.... It was crazy. You don't understand. My heart skipped a few beats. You seemed like such a great person. And You are! But still... I had a major crush. The next weekend, you kissed my cheek when you saw me. Made my week.

2. Pearle's Party
Pearle has her little camping party. I brought Kelsey, who thought the idea of us was a good one. I wore my Tripps and she told you to tie the bows for me. Sigh. That silly banana. Every few minutes you were hugging me or kissing my cheek and my neck. And then you asked me out right before I left. When I said yes, you smiled at me. It was ridiculous. And you hugged me way too tight. But I didn't mind. Well we never got to see each other so we broke up and decided to be friends.

3. The Second Time Around
I just got my red highlights done and I was feeling bad ass. I saw you while I was walking out of the building and you just stared at me and gave me this really weak hug. It was very out of character. So I was like "Can you be more enthusiastic please?!" And you laughed and hugged me again. That night you texted me and poured your heart out to me. I couldn't say no to that! Things went well for a long time.

4. Truth or Dare
Things weren't right. We decided to break up because things didn't feel right. Three days later I was in Spanish with Jenny and Simone and I found out that you kissed Jasmine during truth or dare. I cried. Alot. In front of everyone. I lied and said it was because I was angry. My heart was completely shattered.

5. Homecoming
I hated seeing you dance with a bunch of extremely skanky whores. But you did look fine as hell while doing it! Then we slow danced. It was a completely comfortable embrace. Not awkward at all for me. We did't have to speak.

6. Nancy's Couch
We practically had an orgy! You pulled me on top of you like twenty times. You used to lay on me. It was just.... really weird after the fact. But around Christmas we watched the Grinch, tNBC, and Fired Up! Many comments about distant futures were made. I spent all day with you. It was great!

7. Spreitzer's
I used to tell Chelsea about how much I like you. And I have a whole section of doodles and lyrics written and drawn about you. Its pathetic. But I still can't throw some of them away.

8. Birthday Party
You held my hand. And you kissed it. And we cuddled. And I was completely content with life.

9. Bonfire
Frankie neglected me all day and you didn't. You were flirting with me and I was loving every second of your company. At some point you just stopped and looked me in the eye and told me that you love me... Secretly. I know I blushed a lot. We hugged when we were alone. And I held your hands on our way to the front of the house.
The day before I told you to hug me while I was laying down (I'm lazy) and you did. And i didn't want you to move.

You told me that you love me. Just not a lot. That's okay.
"I don't care if you don't want me.
Cuz I'm yours, yours, yours anyhow."

Holy Eff

1. Frankie
2. Vernon
3. Luke
4. Cody

1. Frankie
So... we broke up. And it hurts really bad. Because I didn't do anything wrong. I think he was just looking for an excuse to stop talking to me for a while.
"I love you. Don't you dare forget that."
What the hell?!?! If you really loved me, you wouldn't have done this to me.
I'm just starting to be hurt my this. And it was a few weeks ago. I cannot believe I let myself fall in love with you. You didn't even talk to me on our one month. UGH! I hate you sometimes.... Sigh. I hate myself for knowing that's not true at all.

2. Vernon
I love you so very much. Why don't you ever let me all the way in? I don't understand. You only ever decide to like me if I'm taken. But you know me better than anyone, even Luke. Most of my best memories are with you. I've known you for three years now. And I've liked you since the second I saw you. I remember being sad when you left for Atlanta. I remember it being winter and I would have to hug you to stay warm under your jacket. I remember one of the last days of school and I saw you and flipped my shit and Ms Daly gave me this 'fdw' look. You smiled at me in shock. I remember Homecoming of 2009 and slow dancing with you. I remember Pearle's party. Cute little kisses. And hugging. And when you asked me out. Your eyes lit up. I was on cloud nine. I'm different now. But I know you even better now. I think we could be amazing together if you'd just let me show you. You speak as though you'd want to be with me in the future... Just not now. What am I supposed to do until then? I feel so safe when I'm with you. Like when we were sitting on Nancy's couch and we would awkwardly cuddle. Or at my birthday party. Just holding hands with you makes me feel safe. Nothing compares to it. And I know you don't feel the same way. But it doesn't make me change my mind about you. I will never feel this way about anyone else. We have conversations about soul mates. I know that you're mine. Realize that I'm yours.

3. Luke
You KISSED me. And I do love you. You are my best friend in the entire world (cept Pearle and Josh). But God, Luke, I don't want to be with you. When we kissed I did feel something... And then all I could think about was Vernon. I'm a terrible person. You fucked up any chance you had when you got back together with Ashley.

4. Cody
We spent almost every day together and we grew apart. We almost dated. Then you called it all off because of Jess and Luke. Then when you see me, you get this amazed look on your face and you call me gorgeous. But you never show any desire to be around me. I know you miss Kelsey more than me. And it makes sense. It just sucks because of how much I still like you. Kelsey loves you too. And we will always be defending you and be overprotective. But I care about you a lot. And this whole unrequited love-like-whatever thing I have for you SUCKS.


I'n all:
Frankie, you broke my heart.
Vernon, I love you.
Luke, you're my friend and we should leave it at that.
Cody, I miss you.

I Wish

I wish I was pretty
I wish I was smarter
I wish I wasn't "emo"
I wish I was happy
I wish I was athletic
I wish I was skinny
I wish I was what he wants
I wish I went to school with him.
I wish he knew that I exist
I wish he at least thought I was worth his time
I wish he thought I was special
I wish he thought I was his type
I wish he was mine

Ummm

Do you want me to leave you alone?
Is that what you want?
Just tell me what the fuck you want me to do and I will do it.
I want to make you happy.
I want to ease your pain.
But you won't let me.
Please let me help you.
I love you more than anything.
Why are you avoiding me?
I didn't do anything.
You can't tell me what's wrong.
But that doesn't mean that you can't talk to me.
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
You go out to the movies with Pearle like normal.
You hang out with everyone like normal.
But you can't bother to talk to me for more than ten minutes?
Thats bullshit.
And I love you.
And I'm worried about you.
So just tell me what you want me to do!

What?

I have been so happy.
For the last few days.
Honestly, some of the best days of my life.
Frankie is my everything <3

But then he decides not to talk to me.
Like.... I don't know.
I've been having a hypoglycemic episode all day.
Luke grabbed me by the the waist today.
He asked me how Frankie and I were doing.
He almost kissed me.
I wouldn't have kissed him back or anything.
But I really wish Frankie would text me back so I could TELL him about this.
I feel so guilty for even being around Luke.
But Frankie is everything to me.
I cannot believe that I broke up with him.
He is SO PERFECT.
Plus he has soft lips. ;)

I really wanna be with that boy for the rest of my life.
Even though he does wanna go to University of Michigan.
-gag-
Whatever.
I wish I could be with him now.
Last-last weekend we were cuddling and he just kept randomly kissing my hand.
It was VERY cute.
And I finally kissed him.
I wish I would have taken advantage of the situation and kissed him even more.
Being away from him is awful.
Its like theres a whole piece of me missing.
AHHH!! He just texted me.
How PERFECT was that timing?
I love you with my whole heart, Frankie. <33

Fuck.

Fuck my mom for putting me in this stupid ass school!
Fuck Vernon for forgetting about me!
Fuck Mariah for always starting shit!
Fuck ALL of those preppy motherfuckers who think that they're better than me!
Fuck Kelsey for replacing me.
Fuck Luke for playing me!
Fuck Cody for playing me!
Fuck my dad for leaving me.
FUCK EVERYBODY! I FUCKING HATE YOU!

Session.... yeah

So.... Luke?
Cuz i feel the best when I know he likes me back.
But.... Frankie?
Because I love the way I feel in his arms.
Well.....
Tomorrow shall be interesting.

Session.... Next

1. Frankie
2. Nate
3. Josh
4. Luke

1. Frankie
Said he loves me. For some reason when we went to the mall I grabbed his hand and he didnt say anything. He just hugged me and flirted with me. He wants me to choose what I want to do on Wednesday. I really do love him. I always will. And hes adorable. And honestly amazing. But everytime we try to date, bad shit happens and our friendship gets shitty. But I miss being in his arms. I miss everything about him. He makes me happy.

2. Nate
Is my newest best friend. He told Leah that he likes me. Thats kinda ballsy I guess. Hes cool. He's into art and Ive though he was cute since he transferred.
"well in my eyes, your beautifull and wonderfull and everything id ever want in someone, and if you wana be with him, i can wait forever for you :) your that amazing"

3. Josh
Likes me. I can't even go there.

4. Luke
And ashley broke up and he likes me. He's my best friend. And Ive liked him for forever. I cant do that to Frankie. And Nate. But..... Luke.

UGGGGGGHHHHH!!! I WAS IGNORED FOR SOOOOOOOOO LONG AND NOW THEY ALL DECIDE TO LIKE ME AT THE SAME TIME!??!?!?!?! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!??!?!??!?!?! OH MY GOD!!!

This sucks. What the hell am I supposed to do?
I want to get to know Nate more.
I want to date him eventually.
I want to date Frankie.
But....
I want to date Luke.
But id never see him.
And I hate his friend's girlfriends.
And if we hung out, it would be with them.
.............................................
Oh my god. Im so confused.

Session 6

Okay so uhhh FUCK YOU!
Fuck you for not talking to me the second things get better with that whore.
Fuck that nasty whore for being a whore and thinking that she's a good person.
Fuck your friends for talking to you.
Fuck your mom for having you.
Fuck you AGAIN for totally leading me on and then ignoring me.
.............

I can't go to Pigfarts. I need a rocketship. Do you have a rocketship, Potter? I bet you do. Not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents died. Look at this. Rocketship Potter! Starkid Potter! Moonshoes Potter traversing the Galaxy for intergalactic travel to Pigfarts.

Session 5

UGGGGHHHHH!!! I was SO close! What the fuuuccckkk!??!? Why her? Why did you have to pick the ONE girl who I've majorly been jealous of? I don't understand those odds! And she screws with you all the time and you STILL love her! I don't even know what the fuck to do!! I think you'd be worth the effort if I ever thought that I had a chance. But no/ I don't think I do. Have fun being with a nasty bitch who doesn't give a shit about you or how you feel. She just wants someone to be all over her. She doesnt actually care who the fuck it is! That's fucking cool. She'll just keep cheating on you. Not a problem. Just don't bitch about it when it happens. HERIUFGEUYRGYUIWGTYUIERFGOJY!!!!!

Why don't you love me anymore? What did I do to deserve this back and forth bullshit from every guy I like!??!?!?? God!!!!!!!!!!!!! Life would be so perfect if she wasn't there. I would be SO happy and it would all just be perfect. I just don't understand how someone could pick her over me. SHE CHEATED ON YOU!!!!!! What the hell?!?! I would NEVER cheat on you! I've liked you since I was like 7! GOD!! I understand that I'm not exactly the most desirable person in the world, but neither is she! And neither is Jess. I just don't understand how your fucking mind works. But Its seriously pissing me off and making me hate myself.

Session 4

1. The day I saw you after a while.
2. The track meet
3. Walking me to Kelsey's
4. Ashley's birthday party
5. I told you that I liked you

1. I was at my house after school on a Friday and my aunt Suzi was watching me. You and Ricky came up to my house to ask where Kelsey lived. I recognized you right away and my heart stopped. I walked you two to Kelsey's house and then hugged you as I went home. It took all of my strength to tear myself away from you.

2. I saw you by the entrance to the track. I was sitting in the bleachers and then walked over to you. I hugged out and you walked back to the bleachers with me. You laid your head on my lap and we talked the whole time. I was holding Vernon's hand. He apologized to me. I wish he would have gone away. We just talked. Just like old times. We joked around. I flirted, You called me skinny and were pretty much feeling me up. You even blushed. I had never seen you do that before. I played with your hair and you didn't yell at me. It was perfection.

3. We were at Andrew's house and it was really late. Like... around midnight. Kelsey was mad at Kris and she wanted to walk home. I didn't want to walk alone through downtown with Emily and her so you walked with us. I held your hand the whole time and even put my arm around your waist. You did the same. It just felt right. Then that random drunk dude was like... trying to talk to us and I pulled you away so hard that I left a scar on your hand from my ring. It was a funny night. You knew you had to walk back alone but you walked with me anyways. Once again, leaving felt like leaving a bit of my soul behind.

4. I knew you would be there but my heart still skipped a beat when you walked in. That was the first time I was ever jealous of Ashley. I thought it was funny that even though it was her birthday party and she is your girlfriend, you talked to me a lot of the time. It was great.

5. So... yesterday. You commented on my status earlier in the week and asked if it was about you. "You don't even notice". I told you that you were right and I'm not quite sure what you felt. Then I posted "I'll never let this go. But I can't find the words to tell you." You asked me what I wanted to tell you.

"Well I have liked you ever since I was a little kid. And when you told me that you liked me the first time, I was super happy. And I seriously regret not going out with you when I had the chance to but I had my reasons. And even if we never date, you're still going to be my best friend because you're the only guy I know who actually understands me and is willing to listen to me. Not only that, but you're the only person that can make me happy when I'm in an awful mood, like now. I'm happy that you're happy with Ashley but it doesn't make me any less jealous."

Then we played random questions and we started talking about the thoughts I have. And you have them too. Which is strange because of Ashley.


Anyways, I'm all jacked up on NyQuil.

Session 3

1. You call me "Nae" when you want to be sincere.
2. You know where my ticklish spots are instinctively.
3. You can pick me up and twirl me around.
4. You have done that in front of your guy friends and weren't embarrassed.
5. You always tell it like it is, even if I don't like what you say.
6. You are the only person who can ever calm me down.
7. You make my heart skip a beat or two EVERY TIME I even think that I see you.
8. You're always on my mind.
9. You walk with me in the middle of the night, knowing you have to walk back alone.
10. You look me in the eyes when you talk to me.
11. You never really cross the line.
12. You always want whats best for me even though I can't see that.
13. You defend me.
14. You have liked me for as long as I've liked you.
15. You are loyal to your girlfriend even though I sometimes wish you weren't.
16. You can make me laugh regardless as to how bad of a situation I am currently in.
17. You understand me more than I understand myself.
18. You are completely confident in everything you do.
19. You've never lied to me.
20. You're always saving me.
21. You're always mending my broken heart.
22. Literally every love song on my Ipod has been dedicated to you.
23. You've always made me weak in the knees.
24. You know what I'm thinking without me having to say a word.
25. You're you. And you make me happy.

Session 2

1. We broke up
2. Cody
3. Luke


1. Frankie was far too clingy and my family drama just made it impossible to want to talk to him. He actually dropped "you don't want to talk to me about this? I'm your boyfriend!" It was over then and there.

2. I saw him on the bus yesterday. He didn't see me but I heard him laughing and knew it was him. He looked happy without me.

3. My oldest and dearest best friend. The only person who knows I like to be called "Nae" as opposed to Denae. The only person who makes my heart skip a beat. My first crush. The person who encourages my rants and actually listens to me. The only person who cares enough to know when I'm sad by instinct. The only guy ever to chase after me. The guy who's heart I broke at least three times. The guy who fixed my broken heart way more than three times. The guy who gives me hope and faith and makes me think that God really cares about me enough to bring someone like that to me. The guy who really cares about me. The guy who loves his girlfriend, regardless. I cant be mad at him. He's loyal and faithful and honest. Those are some of his best traits. I cant dislike them because they don't work in my favor. I shall love him no matter what, even ifg he never finds out.

Introduction, Session 1

Okay so this is a kind of "new Denae" thing.
My mind has been going coocoo ba-friggin-nanas because I really don't have anyone to vent to who won't try to vent back.

Lets see.... Recently going on:
1) I'm going out with Frankie
2) Cody texted me the other night
3) I miss Luke
4) I turned 15
5) My dad sent me a card
6) My brother forgot my birthday
7) I realised I want a certain type of guy
8) I hate the popular kids in my school
9) I can't choose
^^ consider this in outline of my madness as I go into detail

1. Frankie
I have dated him before and when we broke up I felt awful. I broke up with him because I was going through a hard time and it was inconvenient to have to worry about someone other than me. But he really does love me and I know he'd do anything for me. He's treated me well and I was SO happy do be dating him... Til like yesterday. All he seems to want to do is move farther into a physical relationship but that's what I don't want!! I'm not comfortable with that! Sure, call me prude but I'm 15. I'm allowed to be. He's always calling me 'baby' and whatnot but it kinda annoys me because I'm not the kind of girl who likes that. At least from him.

2. Cody
Cody and I have gotten along since the end of spring when I was in the seventh grade. He moved and I cried and then we started to talk again and we liked each other. We were getting closer and he was kinda like "yeeaaahhh uh I like Jess more sooo.... yeah." Well that wasn't hard to get over. Everyone likes Jess. She's awesome. That didn't work out for them though. Then Cody and I were close to going out again and two days before Valentines day, Kelsey was telling me how he met someone else. So.... yeah. My luck. He then tried to talk to me about it the next day and I told him to leave me alone. he has pretty much complied until a few days ago when he asked me to get over it and talk to him again. To just be friends. Do guys not understand that you're never "just friends" after you do stuff like that? My god. I told him that I don't trust him so we can't be friends. It broke my heart to say it but it was true.

3. Luke.
Okay. Seven years of liking the same guy and watching him date skank after skank hurts you. The sad part is, I just realised that Ive liked him for that long. I see him like two days a week and it drives me up the wall because its my first instinct to completely close myself off from him. I think he just thinks I'm awkward. Luke will always be the guy that I act all clumsy and giddy over. How ridiculous is that?

4. 15
If I was Mexican. it would have been a bigger deal. The only upside is that I'm having a gathering this weekend and I get to see my friends from my old school and Kara, who I haven't seen since homecoming. She moved and now we've been apart for six months. That's the longest we've been apart since we were five.

5. Birthday Card
Can you believe that they make cards for dads who are away from their kids for long periods of time? What a douche bag! Does he expect me to thank him for sending me a card after not being there for all that time? There wasn't even money in it. I mean... work for my gratitude. Shit.

6. Forgot
I remembered his. He forgot mine. He's just like dad. What a douche. I hope he breaks his legs.

7. Certain type.
Real. Edgy. Independent. Wears cargo pants. Likes real music. Isn't a stoner. Actually loves ME. Someone who respects that I'm not a girlie girl and I won't want to be fondled every time I'm around them. Responsible. Honest. ...Guess who's not like that?

8. Like omgzzz were SO popular
Fuck off. No bullshit. These kids sit in class with their hollister and act like they're the shit and i just really feel the urge to cut them all. They talk shit about everyone and it really pisses me off because... Who they fuck are they? They're little douchey cunts who hide behind each other and act like they're pimp shit when they're really not. Get over yourselves.

9. ??
I hate this. Frankie's always pouring his heart out to me and all I want to do is tell him to back off. And stay far, far away. I think that makes me a bitch. But I'm just not the clingy person. Yes, I like to have conversations but I don't always want to be optimistic. I'M NOT A GOD DAMNED OPTIMIST. I'm a straight up cynic. And I don't think I can stand being with someone that's always going to want to be so close with me. Especially when all of this drama is going on. I'm almost scared to hang out with him because I'm scared I'll just snap and scream "BACK THE FUCK UP!!" ...God I'm a bad person.