Well... He doesn't hate me.
I guess that's an upside.
We've been texting each other.
It just blows because its not the same.
I know if I told him that, he'd just be like "DUH! We're never gonna be a couple again. You're lucky I'm even talking to you."
Everyone keeps telling me to get over him.
EVERYONE.
I wonder if he knows what he does to me.
I wonder if he'll ever fully forgive me.
I miss him!
I miss the sound of his voice.
I miss his lips.
I miss being held.
I miss looking into his eyes.
I miss catching him staring at me.
I miss holding his hand.
I miss everything about him.
He had my heart.
He still has it.
He just doesn't want it.
What am I supposed to do?
I love him SO MUCH.
I couldn't possibly tell him that.
I hope he knows.
I feel like there is SO MUCH to be said.
He just doesn't want to go there.
I want him to scream at me.
And then I want everything to feel normal.
I know I should feel happy that he is just talking to me.
But I want him back.
And I can't make him want me back.....
I just wish it never happened.
I know a lot would be different....
But I think that's a good thing.
My life has been crap ever since we broke up.
I need him to want me again.
He means the world to me.
I know it makes me sound really desperate and like a stage 5 clinger.
But I do.
I always have.
Fuck waiting for Vernon to realize what he could have had.
He threw that all away.
Fuck waiting for Cody to realize that he should have chosen me.
It wouldn't have worked out.
He is all I want.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Dust
I don't know if you'll forgive me
for being so blind to how you felt.
Don't as me why I couldn't see it.
And that'd take me years to figure out.
And that's not something I know much about.
But there's only one way to find out.
What I know is that I hurt you. Oh.
What I know is that I suck and what I know
Is that I'm sorry.
What I know is that I'm a loser. Yeah.
What I know is I screwed up and then
I never earned your trust.
What I know is that everything I touch
just turns to dust.
____________________________________________________________
Its sad when you make me guilty for something I didn't even do.
I want to hate you.
I want to get pissed and I want to get disgusted when I see you.
But I can't!
I love you. I really do.
I know you think that I was flirting with Vernon.
I was so incredibly happy with you.
Why would I ruin what we had?
Its illogical.
You left the room when I was in it.
You said mean things about me.
You make me feel guilty when I didn't do anything.
I don't know what you think you saw!
You're still Frankie.
I'm still Denae.
And I know you hate me.
I know you don't have feelings for me anymore.
I understand that completely.
But I will ALWAYS love you.
for being so blind to how you felt.
Don't as me why I couldn't see it.
And that'd take me years to figure out.
And that's not something I know much about.
But there's only one way to find out.
What I know is that I hurt you. Oh.
What I know is that I suck and what I know
Is that I'm sorry.
What I know is that I'm a loser. Yeah.
What I know is I screwed up and then
I never earned your trust.
What I know is that everything I touch
just turns to dust.
____________________________________________________________
Its sad when you make me guilty for something I didn't even do.
I want to hate you.
I want to get pissed and I want to get disgusted when I see you.
But I can't!
I love you. I really do.
I know you think that I was flirting with Vernon.
I was so incredibly happy with you.
Why would I ruin what we had?
Its illogical.
You left the room when I was in it.
You said mean things about me.
You make me feel guilty when I didn't do anything.
I don't know what you think you saw!
You're still Frankie.
I'm still Denae.
And I know you hate me.
I know you don't have feelings for me anymore.
I understand that completely.
But I will ALWAYS love you.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Daddy
I have to reject you from my life.
I can't risk loving you and having you ignore me.
You left me when I was a baby.
Leaving is what you do!
But I cannot deny the fact that I need a father figure.
I've always wanted to be Daddy's Little Girl.
When J.J. was talking to me on my status on Facebook it make me realize that I should be proud of being a part of our family. And I enjoy feeling inspired by someone in my family.
I wish you loved me as much as you should.
I wish you never left me.
I wish you were my daddy, not just my father.
I need you.
And as much I say that I hate you...
I know I'm lying.
I love you.
I can't risk loving you and having you ignore me.
You left me when I was a baby.
Leaving is what you do!
But I cannot deny the fact that I need a father figure.
I've always wanted to be Daddy's Little Girl.
When J.J. was talking to me on my status on Facebook it make me realize that I should be proud of being a part of our family. And I enjoy feeling inspired by someone in my family.
I wish you loved me as much as you should.
I wish you never left me.
I wish you were my daddy, not just my father.
I need you.
And as much I say that I hate you...
I know I'm lying.
I love you.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
What I Want
1. Knows all of my favorites.
2. Gives good hugs.
3. Doesn't mind being teased.
4. Would fight for me.
5. Open to my beliefs.
6. Want to have children.
7. Wants to get married.
8. Can cook.
9. Likes desserts.
10. Knows how to hold me.
11. Can make me feel better when I'm depressed.
12. Celebrates Valentine's Day.
13. Will let me keep his hoodies.
14. Will text me at midnight to tell me Happy Birthday.
15. Honestly loves me.
16. Wouldn't leave me.
2. Gives good hugs.
3. Doesn't mind being teased.
4. Would fight for me.
5. Open to my beliefs.
6. Want to have children.
7. Wants to get married.
8. Can cook.
9. Likes desserts.
10. Knows how to hold me.
11. Can make me feel better when I'm depressed.
12. Celebrates Valentine's Day.
13. Will let me keep his hoodies.
14. Will text me at midnight to tell me Happy Birthday.
15. Honestly loves me.
16. Wouldn't leave me.
That Summer
I can remember the first time I ever saw you. I was new on the bus and you sat at the front, talking to EJ.
I can remember the first time you talked to me and we had an actual conversation. I was listening to my ipod. I'm So Sick by Flyleaf was on and you sang it with me... Not so well, I might add.
I can remember the first time you came to my house with Randy. You biked up and down my street screaming my name until I came outside. We went Randy to the park.
We talked about everything.... and nothing. And then the unthinkable happened. You and Kelsey went out. Then you broke up.
And then you moved. Kelsey and I walked over to your house with lovenotes. And then it rained. I was relieved when I realized that Kelsey's ink probably ruined both of them.
And then I saw you again. And you threw flip flops at me and Kelsey as we hid in my computer room.
And then I was chilling in my house drinking a HUGE orange cup of Tampico and eating a bagel in my pajamas. You kept calling me. I never answered. Then Luke showed up at my door. I rolled my eyes and left. You, Kelsey, Reynold, Luke, and I all hung out that day. I think I gave you a quarter of my bagel. And then everyone but me got high. And you were struggling to kiss me. You ended up kissing my cheek. I acted annoyed... I really wasn't. I was blushing like crazy. I would never admit it to anyone but I loved the idea of you liking me at all. I still do to this day.
And then you started wanting to be with Jess and you sent me this very long text about how were better off being friends. I cried a bit.
And then we were going to try again. And it was going very well. And then you were talking to someone else. You tried to tell me the day before valentine's day. Way to be festive. You said that Luke and Jess said stuff to you about how I'm not worth the distance and how I'd never get over Vernon. Both were lies. And I ignored you for a long time.
And then I saw you before credit recovery. And you were like "OHHHH MYYY GODD, Its Denae." Just hearing you say that made me want to cry. I hugged you and ran up stairs.
Everytime I see you, its a painful reminder of how good things used to be between us. You used to be so different. You used to rock a DARE shirt!!! Things werent awkward. Kelsey loves you. that hurst me because I could never even talk to you around her. I couldn't do that to her. I'd never say any of this to your face. There is always going to be a bit of my heart closed off for you, whether you feel the same way about me or not. I miss you very much. And I'll always love you.
I can remember the first time you talked to me and we had an actual conversation. I was listening to my ipod. I'm So Sick by Flyleaf was on and you sang it with me... Not so well, I might add.
I can remember the first time you came to my house with Randy. You biked up and down my street screaming my name until I came outside. We went Randy to the park.
We talked about everything.... and nothing. And then the unthinkable happened. You and Kelsey went out. Then you broke up.
And then you moved. Kelsey and I walked over to your house with lovenotes. And then it rained. I was relieved when I realized that Kelsey's ink probably ruined both of them.
And then I saw you again. And you threw flip flops at me and Kelsey as we hid in my computer room.
And then I was chilling in my house drinking a HUGE orange cup of Tampico and eating a bagel in my pajamas. You kept calling me. I never answered. Then Luke showed up at my door. I rolled my eyes and left. You, Kelsey, Reynold, Luke, and I all hung out that day. I think I gave you a quarter of my bagel. And then everyone but me got high. And you were struggling to kiss me. You ended up kissing my cheek. I acted annoyed... I really wasn't. I was blushing like crazy. I would never admit it to anyone but I loved the idea of you liking me at all. I still do to this day.
And then you started wanting to be with Jess and you sent me this very long text about how were better off being friends. I cried a bit.
And then we were going to try again. And it was going very well. And then you were talking to someone else. You tried to tell me the day before valentine's day. Way to be festive. You said that Luke and Jess said stuff to you about how I'm not worth the distance and how I'd never get over Vernon. Both were lies. And I ignored you for a long time.
And then I saw you before credit recovery. And you were like "OHHHH MYYY GODD, Its Denae." Just hearing you say that made me want to cry. I hugged you and ran up stairs.
Everytime I see you, its a painful reminder of how good things used to be between us. You used to be so different. You used to rock a DARE shirt!!! Things werent awkward. Kelsey loves you. that hurst me because I could never even talk to you around her. I couldn't do that to her. I'd never say any of this to your face. There is always going to be a bit of my heart closed off for you, whether you feel the same way about me or not. I miss you very much. And I'll always love you.
Friday, July 9, 2010
.
Okay just because you're better than your parents doesnt mean that youre a good person.
Has it ever occured to you that you only ever talk to me about how fucked up your life is? I never tell you about any of my problems. I know you a. dont care and b. wouldnt do anything about them if you did. I cant stand being your daughter. And my father is WAY worse than you. But once again, that doesnt make you a good person. It just makes you better than 'awful'. You are such a self-involved bitch! No one gives a fuck about how your childhood was! You can't change it! But your fucking up mine and thats not cool. I don't want to grow up and be as bitter and angry and BITCHY as you are. And I am NOT putting my kids through the same dramatic shit.
Frankie I miss you. I miss being able to talk to you about stuff like this. I miss kissing you. I miss everything about you. And I love you.
Has it ever occured to you that you only ever talk to me about how fucked up your life is? I never tell you about any of my problems. I know you a. dont care and b. wouldnt do anything about them if you did. I cant stand being your daughter. And my father is WAY worse than you. But once again, that doesnt make you a good person. It just makes you better than 'awful'. You are such a self-involved bitch! No one gives a fuck about how your childhood was! You can't change it! But your fucking up mine and thats not cool. I don't want to grow up and be as bitter and angry and BITCHY as you are. And I am NOT putting my kids through the same dramatic shit.
Frankie I miss you. I miss being able to talk to you about stuff like this. I miss kissing you. I miss everything about you. And I love you.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Kill Me
I'd be absolutely mortified if you ever found this.
I know I'm not ugly.
I know you love me.
I know were best friends.
I know that I'm in love with you.
1. When We Met
2. Pearle's Party
3. The Second Time Around
4. Truth or Dare
5. Homecoming
6. Nancy's Couch
7. Spreitzer's
8. Birthday Party
9. Bonfire
1. When We Met
Pearle and I had grown apart for about a year. Laura was always talking about how she had new friends now. And You sounded weird. But When I actually met you.... It was crazy. You don't understand. My heart skipped a few beats. You seemed like such a great person. And You are! But still... I had a major crush. The next weekend, you kissed my cheek when you saw me. Made my week.
2. Pearle's Party
Pearle has her little camping party. I brought Kelsey, who thought the idea of us was a good one. I wore my Tripps and she told you to tie the bows for me. Sigh. That silly banana. Every few minutes you were hugging me or kissing my cheek and my neck. And then you asked me out right before I left. When I said yes, you smiled at me. It was ridiculous. And you hugged me way too tight. But I didn't mind. Well we never got to see each other so we broke up and decided to be friends.
3. The Second Time Around
I just got my red highlights done and I was feeling bad ass. I saw you while I was walking out of the building and you just stared at me and gave me this really weak hug. It was very out of character. So I was like "Can you be more enthusiastic please?!" And you laughed and hugged me again. That night you texted me and poured your heart out to me. I couldn't say no to that! Things went well for a long time.
4. Truth or Dare
Things weren't right. We decided to break up because things didn't feel right. Three days later I was in Spanish with Jenny and Simone and I found out that you kissed Jasmine during truth or dare. I cried. Alot. In front of everyone. I lied and said it was because I was angry. My heart was completely shattered.
5. Homecoming
I hated seeing you dance with a bunch of extremely skanky whores. But you did look fine as hell while doing it! Then we slow danced. It was a completely comfortable embrace. Not awkward at all for me. We did't have to speak.
6. Nancy's Couch
We practically had an orgy! You pulled me on top of you like twenty times. You used to lay on me. It was just.... really weird after the fact. But around Christmas we watched the Grinch, tNBC, and Fired Up! Many comments about distant futures were made. I spent all day with you. It was great!
7. Spreitzer's
I used to tell Chelsea about how much I like you. And I have a whole section of doodles and lyrics written and drawn about you. Its pathetic. But I still can't throw some of them away.
8. Birthday Party
You held my hand. And you kissed it. And we cuddled. And I was completely content with life.
9. Bonfire
Frankie neglected me all day and you didn't. You were flirting with me and I was loving every second of your company. At some point you just stopped and looked me in the eye and told me that you love me... Secretly. I know I blushed a lot. We hugged when we were alone. And I held your hands on our way to the front of the house.
The day before I told you to hug me while I was laying down (I'm lazy) and you did. And i didn't want you to move.
You told me that you love me. Just not a lot. That's okay.
"I don't care if you don't want me.
Cuz I'm yours, yours, yours anyhow."
I know I'm not ugly.
I know you love me.
I know were best friends.
I know that I'm in love with you.
1. When We Met
2. Pearle's Party
3. The Second Time Around
4. Truth or Dare
5. Homecoming
6. Nancy's Couch
7. Spreitzer's
8. Birthday Party
9. Bonfire
1. When We Met
Pearle and I had grown apart for about a year. Laura was always talking about how she had new friends now. And You sounded weird. But When I actually met you.... It was crazy. You don't understand. My heart skipped a few beats. You seemed like such a great person. And You are! But still... I had a major crush. The next weekend, you kissed my cheek when you saw me. Made my week.
2. Pearle's Party
Pearle has her little camping party. I brought Kelsey, who thought the idea of us was a good one. I wore my Tripps and she told you to tie the bows for me. Sigh. That silly banana. Every few minutes you were hugging me or kissing my cheek and my neck. And then you asked me out right before I left. When I said yes, you smiled at me. It was ridiculous. And you hugged me way too tight. But I didn't mind. Well we never got to see each other so we broke up and decided to be friends.
3. The Second Time Around
I just got my red highlights done and I was feeling bad ass. I saw you while I was walking out of the building and you just stared at me and gave me this really weak hug. It was very out of character. So I was like "Can you be more enthusiastic please?!" And you laughed and hugged me again. That night you texted me and poured your heart out to me. I couldn't say no to that! Things went well for a long time.
4. Truth or Dare
Things weren't right. We decided to break up because things didn't feel right. Three days later I was in Spanish with Jenny and Simone and I found out that you kissed Jasmine during truth or dare. I cried. Alot. In front of everyone. I lied and said it was because I was angry. My heart was completely shattered.
5. Homecoming
I hated seeing you dance with a bunch of extremely skanky whores. But you did look fine as hell while doing it! Then we slow danced. It was a completely comfortable embrace. Not awkward at all for me. We did't have to speak.
6. Nancy's Couch
We practically had an orgy! You pulled me on top of you like twenty times. You used to lay on me. It was just.... really weird after the fact. But around Christmas we watched the Grinch, tNBC, and Fired Up! Many comments about distant futures were made. I spent all day with you. It was great!
7. Spreitzer's
I used to tell Chelsea about how much I like you. And I have a whole section of doodles and lyrics written and drawn about you. Its pathetic. But I still can't throw some of them away.
8. Birthday Party
You held my hand. And you kissed it. And we cuddled. And I was completely content with life.
9. Bonfire
Frankie neglected me all day and you didn't. You were flirting with me and I was loving every second of your company. At some point you just stopped and looked me in the eye and told me that you love me... Secretly. I know I blushed a lot. We hugged when we were alone. And I held your hands on our way to the front of the house.
The day before I told you to hug me while I was laying down (I'm lazy) and you did. And i didn't want you to move.
You told me that you love me. Just not a lot. That's okay.
"I don't care if you don't want me.
Cuz I'm yours, yours, yours anyhow."
Holy Eff
1. Frankie
2. Vernon
3. Luke
4. Cody
1. Frankie
So... we broke up. And it hurts really bad. Because I didn't do anything wrong. I think he was just looking for an excuse to stop talking to me for a while.
"I love you. Don't you dare forget that."
What the hell?!?! If you really loved me, you wouldn't have done this to me.
I'm just starting to be hurt my this. And it was a few weeks ago. I cannot believe I let myself fall in love with you. You didn't even talk to me on our one month. UGH! I hate you sometimes.... Sigh. I hate myself for knowing that's not true at all.
2. Vernon
I love you so very much. Why don't you ever let me all the way in? I don't understand. You only ever decide to like me if I'm taken. But you know me better than anyone, even Luke. Most of my best memories are with you. I've known you for three years now. And I've liked you since the second I saw you. I remember being sad when you left for Atlanta. I remember it being winter and I would have to hug you to stay warm under your jacket. I remember one of the last days of school and I saw you and flipped my shit and Ms Daly gave me this 'fdw' look. You smiled at me in shock. I remember Homecoming of 2009 and slow dancing with you. I remember Pearle's party. Cute little kisses. And hugging. And when you asked me out. Your eyes lit up. I was on cloud nine. I'm different now. But I know you even better now. I think we could be amazing together if you'd just let me show you. You speak as though you'd want to be with me in the future... Just not now. What am I supposed to do until then? I feel so safe when I'm with you. Like when we were sitting on Nancy's couch and we would awkwardly cuddle. Or at my birthday party. Just holding hands with you makes me feel safe. Nothing compares to it. And I know you don't feel the same way. But it doesn't make me change my mind about you. I will never feel this way about anyone else. We have conversations about soul mates. I know that you're mine. Realize that I'm yours.
3. Luke
You KISSED me. And I do love you. You are my best friend in the entire world (cept Pearle and Josh). But God, Luke, I don't want to be with you. When we kissed I did feel something... And then all I could think about was Vernon. I'm a terrible person. You fucked up any chance you had when you got back together with Ashley.
4. Cody
We spent almost every day together and we grew apart. We almost dated. Then you called it all off because of Jess and Luke. Then when you see me, you get this amazed look on your face and you call me gorgeous. But you never show any desire to be around me. I know you miss Kelsey more than me. And it makes sense. It just sucks because of how much I still like you. Kelsey loves you too. And we will always be defending you and be overprotective. But I care about you a lot. And this whole unrequited love-like-whatever thing I have for you SUCKS.
I'n all:
Frankie, you broke my heart.
Vernon, I love you.
Luke, you're my friend and we should leave it at that.
Cody, I miss you.
2. Vernon
3. Luke
4. Cody
1. Frankie
So... we broke up. And it hurts really bad. Because I didn't do anything wrong. I think he was just looking for an excuse to stop talking to me for a while.
"I love you. Don't you dare forget that."
What the hell?!?! If you really loved me, you wouldn't have done this to me.
I'm just starting to be hurt my this. And it was a few weeks ago. I cannot believe I let myself fall in love with you. You didn't even talk to me on our one month. UGH! I hate you sometimes.... Sigh. I hate myself for knowing that's not true at all.
2. Vernon
I love you so very much. Why don't you ever let me all the way in? I don't understand. You only ever decide to like me if I'm taken. But you know me better than anyone, even Luke. Most of my best memories are with you. I've known you for three years now. And I've liked you since the second I saw you. I remember being sad when you left for Atlanta. I remember it being winter and I would have to hug you to stay warm under your jacket. I remember one of the last days of school and I saw you and flipped my shit and Ms Daly gave me this 'fdw' look. You smiled at me in shock. I remember Homecoming of 2009 and slow dancing with you. I remember Pearle's party. Cute little kisses. And hugging. And when you asked me out. Your eyes lit up. I was on cloud nine. I'm different now. But I know you even better now. I think we could be amazing together if you'd just let me show you. You speak as though you'd want to be with me in the future... Just not now. What am I supposed to do until then? I feel so safe when I'm with you. Like when we were sitting on Nancy's couch and we would awkwardly cuddle. Or at my birthday party. Just holding hands with you makes me feel safe. Nothing compares to it. And I know you don't feel the same way. But it doesn't make me change my mind about you. I will never feel this way about anyone else. We have conversations about soul mates. I know that you're mine. Realize that I'm yours.
3. Luke
You KISSED me. And I do love you. You are my best friend in the entire world (cept Pearle and Josh). But God, Luke, I don't want to be with you. When we kissed I did feel something... And then all I could think about was Vernon. I'm a terrible person. You fucked up any chance you had when you got back together with Ashley.
4. Cody
We spent almost every day together and we grew apart. We almost dated. Then you called it all off because of Jess and Luke. Then when you see me, you get this amazed look on your face and you call me gorgeous. But you never show any desire to be around me. I know you miss Kelsey more than me. And it makes sense. It just sucks because of how much I still like you. Kelsey loves you too. And we will always be defending you and be overprotective. But I care about you a lot. And this whole unrequited love-like-whatever thing I have for you SUCKS.
I'n all:
Frankie, you broke my heart.
Vernon, I love you.
Luke, you're my friend and we should leave it at that.
Cody, I miss you.
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