OhDang

LONG TIME NO SEE, BLOGGER!
Let me catch you up.
Luke and I don't talk anymore.
Josh and I don't talk.
Evan and I... well. You missed that drama. Lucky you.
Cody and I are friends.
Kelsey and I hardly talk.
Jess and I never see each other.
Frankie? :)

School is better.
Hair is better.
Avenged Sevenfold= life.
Frankie= love.
Denae= happy.

Fuuuckckckkkk

My official idol: Kurt Cobain.
Just letting the world know that if you have a twisted sense of humor, ever felt unloved, or ever felt like the world is a fucked up place, this dude's music can change your life. Ive liked Nirvana for a long time but Ive never taken the time to think about what kind of person Kurt was. Apart from the suicidalness and the heroine addiction, I feel like he would have been a great guy to be around.

Apart from that, life's been shitty. I'm so sick of people expecting me to be a certain way. My black family says I'm too white. My emo friends think i should be more emo. FUCK LABELS. WHAT THE FUCK!!?!? And don't people realize that being 'indie' and then bragging about how much more hardcore you are than some other fuck face in a cardigan does not make you a cool person? It just makes you a fucking poser. You are not cool. Your music is shit. I'm happy that your happy with being a douche with your vinyl and vintage clothes. Your family has a whole shit load of money and yet you go to the thrift store and then tell everyone cuz that makes you cool? Look bitch. I'M poor. I HAVE to shop there. I can't afford new fucking clothes every season. You people are an embarrassment. Flannels. Fuuckckkckcking flannels. I have many. Cuz i live in Michigan and it gets pretty freaking cold here. I don't get them from Pac Sun. I get mine from the salvation army or tj maxx when my mom decides to spring money on herself and doesn't wanna hear me bitch about being neglected.

My best guy friend would probably hate me if he really knew what I was like. I fucking hate everything. I smile and go through the motions of school and whatnot. But everyday I wake up is one less day I'll have to wake up later. I'm not suicidal anymore but this really bugs me. I'm a generally unhappy person. Anyone who doesn't know that is a retard. I'm also really quiet. I don't like parties. I don't waste my time on trying to please other people with my appearance. I look like me. Fuck everything else.
Goddess. Something good has to happen soon. Or something so bad that everything i have to deal with now seems okay. This whole loner-pissed off chick with the old clothes and ipod permanently attached to her ears with an angry look on her face thing is NOT working.

Eat Pray Love

Today has been the best day I've had with my mother in a long time. She took us out to lunch and we went to go see Eat Pray Love.
I love this movie.
This woman went through a painful divorce and got in a relationship with a local actor. She took a year off and went to Italy, India, and Bali.
I know that it was just a movie, but I can't help but want to go through the same transformation. She was heartbroken and hurt and caught up in the commercial lifestyle of us Americans. She ended up a strong woman who fell in love with this Brazilian man. But the fact that she meditated and had a new found 'family' made her strong and able to love someone again. She forgave herself.
I've decided to take up meditation. I think that being more self-aware is a step in the right direction... Whatever direction that is. Am I too young to be in a slump? My life lacks all form of ambition. I find myself getting caught up in the most trivial and irrelevant issues. Granted, it is common amongst my age group, but I've always been more mature than the average person my age. I want to change. There are two ways my life could go. I want to see the world. I want to be a writer and move all around meeting fantastic people and learning more and more about myself every day. I want to be an inspiration to others and myself. I want to be this incredibly intelligent, strong, independent woman who and conquer anything life sends her way. The other option is to fall in love and have a cute little family. I could become a teacher and live in Massachusetts after going to college in Salem. I could have multiple children and be normal and happy with my quaint little family and lifestyle. But I feel that the latter option would be a waste of potential. I've always been told that I'm a bright girl and that I have a large amount of potential. If I had drive to accomplish something, I could.
Example- Getting a B on my honors biology final or writing a poem that got published in a book. (Both of which I succeeded in when I put my heart into it.) I have a drive to see the world. I have a drive to learn about foreign culture and bring awareness to the ignorant people of the world. I want to change the lives of millions. But.... How exactly do I go about doing that??
J.K Rowling is a large role model of mine. She changed the lives of many by her fictional writing. Even though it wasn't a profound change, she changed the media and the world of fantasy fiction forever.
God/Goddess give me a sign! Tell me what to do. I want to be an influential person. I want to be a strong, intellectual person without being pretentious and obnoxious. I will eventually want to find love. But i don't want to make mistakes that will ruin my top priorities.

:/

Well... He doesn't hate me.
I guess that's an upside.
We've been texting each other.
It just blows because its not the same.
I know if I told him that, he'd just be like "DUH! We're never gonna be a couple again. You're lucky I'm even talking to you."

Everyone keeps telling me to get over him.
EVERYONE.
I wonder if he knows what he does to me.
I wonder if he'll ever fully forgive me.

I miss him!
I miss the sound of his voice.
I miss his lips.
I miss being held.
I miss looking into his eyes.
I miss catching him staring at me.
I miss holding his hand.
I miss everything about him.

He had my heart.
He still has it.
He just doesn't want it.
What am I supposed to do?
I love him SO MUCH.
I couldn't possibly tell him that.
I hope he knows.

I feel like there is SO MUCH to be said.
He just doesn't want to go there.
I want him to scream at me.
And then I want everything to feel normal.

I know I should feel happy that he is just talking to me.
But I want him back.
And I can't make him want me back.....
I just wish it never happened.
I know a lot would be different....
But I think that's a good thing.
My life has been crap ever since we broke up.
I need him to want me again.
He means the world to me.
I know it makes me sound really desperate and like a stage 5 clinger.
But I do.
I always have.

Fuck waiting for Vernon to realize what he could have had.
He threw that all away.
Fuck waiting for Cody to realize that he should have chosen me.
It wouldn't have worked out.

He is all I want.

Dust

I don't know if you'll forgive me
for being so blind to how you felt.
Don't as me why I couldn't see it.
And that'd take me years to figure out.
And that's not something I know much about.
But there's only one way to find out.
What I know is that I hurt you. Oh.
What I know is that I suck and what I know
Is that I'm sorry.
What I know is that I'm a loser. Yeah.
What I know is I screwed up and then
I never earned your trust.
What I know is that everything I touch
just turns to dust.
____________________________________________________________
Its sad when you make me guilty for something I didn't even do.
I want to hate you.
I want to get pissed and I want to get disgusted when I see you.
But I can't!
I love you. I really do.
I know you think that I was flirting with Vernon.
I was so incredibly happy with you.
Why would I ruin what we had?
Its illogical.
You left the room when I was in it.
You said mean things about me.
You make me feel guilty when I didn't do anything.
I don't know what you think you saw!
You're still Frankie.
I'm still Denae.
And I know you hate me.
I know you don't have feelings for me anymore.
I understand that completely.
But I will ALWAYS love you.

Daddy

I have to reject you from my life.
I can't risk loving you and having you ignore me.
You left me when I was a baby.
Leaving is what you do!
But I cannot deny the fact that I need a father figure.
I've always wanted to be Daddy's Little Girl.
When J.J. was talking to me on my status on Facebook it make me realize that I should be proud of being a part of our family. And I enjoy feeling inspired by someone in my family.
I wish you loved me as much as you should.
I wish you never left me.
I wish you were my daddy, not just my father.
I need you.
And as much I say that I hate you...
I know I'm lying.
I love you.

What I Want

1. Knows all of my favorites.
2. Gives good hugs.
3. Doesn't mind being teased.
4. Would fight for me.
5. Open to my beliefs.
6. Want to have children.
7. Wants to get married.
8. Can cook.
9. Likes desserts.
10. Knows how to hold me.
11. Can make me feel better when I'm depressed.
12. Celebrates Valentine's Day.
13. Will let me keep his hoodies.
14. Will text me at midnight to tell me Happy Birthday.
15. Honestly loves me.
16. Wouldn't leave me.