UGGGGHHHHH!!! I was SO close! What the fuuuccckkk!??!? Why her? Why did you have to pick the ONE girl who I've majorly been jealous of? I don't understand those odds! And she screws with you all the time and you STILL love her! I don't even know what the fuck to do!! I think you'd be worth the effort if I ever thought that I had a chance. But no/ I don't think I do. Have fun being with a nasty bitch who doesn't give a shit about you or how you feel. She just wants someone to be all over her. She doesnt actually care who the fuck it is! That's fucking cool. She'll just keep cheating on you. Not a problem. Just don't bitch about it when it happens. HERIUFGEUYRGYUIWGTYUIERFGOJY!!!!!
Why don't you love me anymore? What did I do to deserve this back and forth bullshit from every guy I like!??!?!?? God!!!!!!!!!!!!! Life would be so perfect if she wasn't there. I would be SO happy and it would all just be perfect. I just don't understand how someone could pick her over me. SHE CHEATED ON YOU!!!!!! What the hell?!?! I would NEVER cheat on you! I've liked you since I was like 7! GOD!! I understand that I'm not exactly the most desirable person in the world, but neither is she! And neither is Jess. I just don't understand how your fucking mind works. But Its seriously pissing me off and making me hate myself.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Session 4
1. The day I saw you after a while.
2. The track meet
3. Walking me to Kelsey's
4. Ashley's birthday party
5. I told you that I liked you
1. I was at my house after school on a Friday and my aunt Suzi was watching me. You and Ricky came up to my house to ask where Kelsey lived. I recognized you right away and my heart stopped. I walked you two to Kelsey's house and then hugged you as I went home. It took all of my strength to tear myself away from you.
2. I saw you by the entrance to the track. I was sitting in the bleachers and then walked over to you. I hugged out and you walked back to the bleachers with me. You laid your head on my lap and we talked the whole time. I was holding Vernon's hand. He apologized to me. I wish he would have gone away. We just talked. Just like old times. We joked around. I flirted, You called me skinny and were pretty much feeling me up. You even blushed. I had never seen you do that before. I played with your hair and you didn't yell at me. It was perfection.
3. We were at Andrew's house and it was really late. Like... around midnight. Kelsey was mad at Kris and she wanted to walk home. I didn't want to walk alone through downtown with Emily and her so you walked with us. I held your hand the whole time and even put my arm around your waist. You did the same. It just felt right. Then that random drunk dude was like... trying to talk to us and I pulled you away so hard that I left a scar on your hand from my ring. It was a funny night. You knew you had to walk back alone but you walked with me anyways. Once again, leaving felt like leaving a bit of my soul behind.
4. I knew you would be there but my heart still skipped a beat when you walked in. That was the first time I was ever jealous of Ashley. I thought it was funny that even though it was her birthday party and she is your girlfriend, you talked to me a lot of the time. It was great.
5. So... yesterday. You commented on my status earlier in the week and asked if it was about you. "You don't even notice". I told you that you were right and I'm not quite sure what you felt. Then I posted "I'll never let this go. But I can't find the words to tell you." You asked me what I wanted to tell you.
"Well I have liked you ever since I was a little kid. And when you told me that you liked me the first time, I was super happy. And I seriously regret not going out with you when I had the chance to but I had my reasons. And even if we never date, you're still going to be my best friend because you're the only guy I know who actually understands me and is willing to listen to me. Not only that, but you're the only person that can make me happy when I'm in an awful mood, like now. I'm happy that you're happy with Ashley but it doesn't make me any less jealous."
Then we played random questions and we started talking about the thoughts I have. And you have them too. Which is strange because of Ashley.
Anyways, I'm all jacked up on NyQuil.
2. The track meet
3. Walking me to Kelsey's
4. Ashley's birthday party
5. I told you that I liked you
1. I was at my house after school on a Friday and my aunt Suzi was watching me. You and Ricky came up to my house to ask where Kelsey lived. I recognized you right away and my heart stopped. I walked you two to Kelsey's house and then hugged you as I went home. It took all of my strength to tear myself away from you.
2. I saw you by the entrance to the track. I was sitting in the bleachers and then walked over to you. I hugged out and you walked back to the bleachers with me. You laid your head on my lap and we talked the whole time. I was holding Vernon's hand. He apologized to me. I wish he would have gone away. We just talked. Just like old times. We joked around. I flirted, You called me skinny and were pretty much feeling me up. You even blushed. I had never seen you do that before. I played with your hair and you didn't yell at me. It was perfection.
3. We were at Andrew's house and it was really late. Like... around midnight. Kelsey was mad at Kris and she wanted to walk home. I didn't want to walk alone through downtown with Emily and her so you walked with us. I held your hand the whole time and even put my arm around your waist. You did the same. It just felt right. Then that random drunk dude was like... trying to talk to us and I pulled you away so hard that I left a scar on your hand from my ring. It was a funny night. You knew you had to walk back alone but you walked with me anyways. Once again, leaving felt like leaving a bit of my soul behind.
4. I knew you would be there but my heart still skipped a beat when you walked in. That was the first time I was ever jealous of Ashley. I thought it was funny that even though it was her birthday party and she is your girlfriend, you talked to me a lot of the time. It was great.
5. So... yesterday. You commented on my status earlier in the week and asked if it was about you. "You don't even notice". I told you that you were right and I'm not quite sure what you felt. Then I posted "I'll never let this go. But I can't find the words to tell you." You asked me what I wanted to tell you.
"Well I have liked you ever since I was a little kid. And when you told me that you liked me the first time, I was super happy. And I seriously regret not going out with you when I had the chance to but I had my reasons. And even if we never date, you're still going to be my best friend because you're the only guy I know who actually understands me and is willing to listen to me. Not only that, but you're the only person that can make me happy when I'm in an awful mood, like now. I'm happy that you're happy with Ashley but it doesn't make me any less jealous."
Then we played random questions and we started talking about the thoughts I have. And you have them too. Which is strange because of Ashley.
Anyways, I'm all jacked up on NyQuil.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Session 3
1. You call me "Nae" when you want to be sincere.
2. You know where my ticklish spots are instinctively.
3. You can pick me up and twirl me around.
4. You have done that in front of your guy friends and weren't embarrassed.
5. You always tell it like it is, even if I don't like what you say.
6. You are the only person who can ever calm me down.
7. You make my heart skip a beat or two EVERY TIME I even think that I see you.
8. You're always on my mind.
9. You walk with me in the middle of the night, knowing you have to walk back alone.
10. You look me in the eyes when you talk to me.
11. You never really cross the line.
12. You always want whats best for me even though I can't see that.
13. You defend me.
14. You have liked me for as long as I've liked you.
15. You are loyal to your girlfriend even though I sometimes wish you weren't.
16. You can make me laugh regardless as to how bad of a situation I am currently in.
17. You understand me more than I understand myself.
18. You are completely confident in everything you do.
19. You've never lied to me.
20. You're always saving me.
21. You're always mending my broken heart.
22. Literally every love song on my Ipod has been dedicated to you.
23. You've always made me weak in the knees.
24. You know what I'm thinking without me having to say a word.
25. You're you. And you make me happy.
2. You know where my ticklish spots are instinctively.
3. You can pick me up and twirl me around.
4. You have done that in front of your guy friends and weren't embarrassed.
5. You always tell it like it is, even if I don't like what you say.
6. You are the only person who can ever calm me down.
7. You make my heart skip a beat or two EVERY TIME I even think that I see you.
8. You're always on my mind.
9. You walk with me in the middle of the night, knowing you have to walk back alone.
10. You look me in the eyes when you talk to me.
11. You never really cross the line.
12. You always want whats best for me even though I can't see that.
13. You defend me.
14. You have liked me for as long as I've liked you.
15. You are loyal to your girlfriend even though I sometimes wish you weren't.
16. You can make me laugh regardless as to how bad of a situation I am currently in.
17. You understand me more than I understand myself.
18. You are completely confident in everything you do.
19. You've never lied to me.
20. You're always saving me.
21. You're always mending my broken heart.
22. Literally every love song on my Ipod has been dedicated to you.
23. You've always made me weak in the knees.
24. You know what I'm thinking without me having to say a word.
25. You're you. And you make me happy.
Session 2
1. We broke up
2. Cody
3. Luke
1. Frankie was far too clingy and my family drama just made it impossible to want to talk to him. He actually dropped "you don't want to talk to me about this? I'm your boyfriend!" It was over then and there.
2. I saw him on the bus yesterday. He didn't see me but I heard him laughing and knew it was him. He looked happy without me.
3. My oldest and dearest best friend. The only person who knows I like to be called "Nae" as opposed to Denae. The only person who makes my heart skip a beat. My first crush. The person who encourages my rants and actually listens to me. The only person who cares enough to know when I'm sad by instinct. The only guy ever to chase after me. The guy who's heart I broke at least three times. The guy who fixed my broken heart way more than three times. The guy who gives me hope and faith and makes me think that God really cares about me enough to bring someone like that to me. The guy who really cares about me. The guy who loves his girlfriend, regardless. I cant be mad at him. He's loyal and faithful and honest. Those are some of his best traits. I cant dislike them because they don't work in my favor. I shall love him no matter what, even ifg he never finds out.
2. Cody
3. Luke
1. Frankie was far too clingy and my family drama just made it impossible to want to talk to him. He actually dropped "you don't want to talk to me about this? I'm your boyfriend!" It was over then and there.
2. I saw him on the bus yesterday. He didn't see me but I heard him laughing and knew it was him. He looked happy without me.
3. My oldest and dearest best friend. The only person who knows I like to be called "Nae" as opposed to Denae. The only person who makes my heart skip a beat. My first crush. The person who encourages my rants and actually listens to me. The only person who cares enough to know when I'm sad by instinct. The only guy ever to chase after me. The guy who's heart I broke at least three times. The guy who fixed my broken heart way more than three times. The guy who gives me hope and faith and makes me think that God really cares about me enough to bring someone like that to me. The guy who really cares about me. The guy who loves his girlfriend, regardless. I cant be mad at him. He's loyal and faithful and honest. Those are some of his best traits. I cant dislike them because they don't work in my favor. I shall love him no matter what, even ifg he never finds out.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Introduction, Session 1
Okay so this is a kind of "new Denae" thing.
My mind has been going coocoo ba-friggin-nanas because I really don't have anyone to vent to who won't try to vent back.
Lets see.... Recently going on:
1) I'm going out with Frankie
2) Cody texted me the other night
3) I miss Luke
4) I turned 15
5) My dad sent me a card
6) My brother forgot my birthday
7) I realised I want a certain type of guy
8) I hate the popular kids in my school
9) I can't choose
^^ consider this in outline of my madness as I go into detail
1. Frankie
I have dated him before and when we broke up I felt awful. I broke up with him because I was going through a hard time and it was inconvenient to have to worry about someone other than me. But he really does love me and I know he'd do anything for me. He's treated me well and I was SO happy do be dating him... Til like yesterday. All he seems to want to do is move farther into a physical relationship but that's what I don't want!! I'm not comfortable with that! Sure, call me prude but I'm 15. I'm allowed to be. He's always calling me 'baby' and whatnot but it kinda annoys me because I'm not the kind of girl who likes that. At least from him.
2. Cody
Cody and I have gotten along since the end of spring when I was in the seventh grade. He moved and I cried and then we started to talk again and we liked each other. We were getting closer and he was kinda like "yeeaaahhh uh I like Jess more sooo.... yeah." Well that wasn't hard to get over. Everyone likes Jess. She's awesome. That didn't work out for them though. Then Cody and I were close to going out again and two days before Valentines day, Kelsey was telling me how he met someone else. So.... yeah. My luck. He then tried to talk to me about it the next day and I told him to leave me alone. he has pretty much complied until a few days ago when he asked me to get over it and talk to him again. To just be friends. Do guys not understand that you're never "just friends" after you do stuff like that? My god. I told him that I don't trust him so we can't be friends. It broke my heart to say it but it was true.
3. Luke.
Okay. Seven years of liking the same guy and watching him date skank after skank hurts you. The sad part is, I just realised that Ive liked him for that long. I see him like two days a week and it drives me up the wall because its my first instinct to completely close myself off from him. I think he just thinks I'm awkward. Luke will always be the guy that I act all clumsy and giddy over. How ridiculous is that?
4. 15
If I was Mexican. it would have been a bigger deal. The only upside is that I'm having a gathering this weekend and I get to see my friends from my old school and Kara, who I haven't seen since homecoming. She moved and now we've been apart for six months. That's the longest we've been apart since we were five.
5. Birthday Card
Can you believe that they make cards for dads who are away from their kids for long periods of time? What a douche bag! Does he expect me to thank him for sending me a card after not being there for all that time? There wasn't even money in it. I mean... work for my gratitude. Shit.
6. Forgot
I remembered his. He forgot mine. He's just like dad. What a douche. I hope he breaks his legs.
7. Certain type.
Real. Edgy. Independent. Wears cargo pants. Likes real music. Isn't a stoner. Actually loves ME. Someone who respects that I'm not a girlie girl and I won't want to be fondled every time I'm around them. Responsible. Honest. ...Guess who's not like that?
8. Like omgzzz were SO popular
Fuck off. No bullshit. These kids sit in class with their hollister and act like they're the shit and i just really feel the urge to cut them all. They talk shit about everyone and it really pisses me off because... Who they fuck are they? They're little douchey cunts who hide behind each other and act like they're pimp shit when they're really not. Get over yourselves.
9. ??
I hate this. Frankie's always pouring his heart out to me and all I want to do is tell him to back off. And stay far, far away. I think that makes me a bitch. But I'm just not the clingy person. Yes, I like to have conversations but I don't always want to be optimistic. I'M NOT A GOD DAMNED OPTIMIST. I'm a straight up cynic. And I don't think I can stand being with someone that's always going to want to be so close with me. Especially when all of this drama is going on. I'm almost scared to hang out with him because I'm scared I'll just snap and scream "BACK THE FUCK UP!!" ...God I'm a bad person.
My mind has been going coocoo ba-friggin-nanas because I really don't have anyone to vent to who won't try to vent back.
Lets see.... Recently going on:
1) I'm going out with Frankie
2) Cody texted me the other night
3) I miss Luke
4) I turned 15
5) My dad sent me a card
6) My brother forgot my birthday
7) I realised I want a certain type of guy
8) I hate the popular kids in my school
9) I can't choose
^^ consider this in outline of my madness as I go into detail
1. Frankie
I have dated him before and when we broke up I felt awful. I broke up with him because I was going through a hard time and it was inconvenient to have to worry about someone other than me. But he really does love me and I know he'd do anything for me. He's treated me well and I was SO happy do be dating him... Til like yesterday. All he seems to want to do is move farther into a physical relationship but that's what I don't want!! I'm not comfortable with that! Sure, call me prude but I'm 15. I'm allowed to be. He's always calling me 'baby' and whatnot but it kinda annoys me because I'm not the kind of girl who likes that. At least from him.
2. Cody
Cody and I have gotten along since the end of spring when I was in the seventh grade. He moved and I cried and then we started to talk again and we liked each other. We were getting closer and he was kinda like "yeeaaahhh uh I like Jess more sooo.... yeah." Well that wasn't hard to get over. Everyone likes Jess. She's awesome. That didn't work out for them though. Then Cody and I were close to going out again and two days before Valentines day, Kelsey was telling me how he met someone else. So.... yeah. My luck. He then tried to talk to me about it the next day and I told him to leave me alone. he has pretty much complied until a few days ago when he asked me to get over it and talk to him again. To just be friends. Do guys not understand that you're never "just friends" after you do stuff like that? My god. I told him that I don't trust him so we can't be friends. It broke my heart to say it but it was true.
3. Luke.
Okay. Seven years of liking the same guy and watching him date skank after skank hurts you. The sad part is, I just realised that Ive liked him for that long. I see him like two days a week and it drives me up the wall because its my first instinct to completely close myself off from him. I think he just thinks I'm awkward. Luke will always be the guy that I act all clumsy and giddy over. How ridiculous is that?
4. 15
If I was Mexican. it would have been a bigger deal. The only upside is that I'm having a gathering this weekend and I get to see my friends from my old school and Kara, who I haven't seen since homecoming. She moved and now we've been apart for six months. That's the longest we've been apart since we were five.
5. Birthday Card
Can you believe that they make cards for dads who are away from their kids for long periods of time? What a douche bag! Does he expect me to thank him for sending me a card after not being there for all that time? There wasn't even money in it. I mean... work for my gratitude. Shit.
6. Forgot
I remembered his. He forgot mine. He's just like dad. What a douche. I hope he breaks his legs.
7. Certain type.
Real. Edgy. Independent. Wears cargo pants. Likes real music. Isn't a stoner. Actually loves ME. Someone who respects that I'm not a girlie girl and I won't want to be fondled every time I'm around them. Responsible. Honest. ...Guess who's not like that?
8. Like omgzzz were SO popular
Fuck off. No bullshit. These kids sit in class with their hollister and act like they're the shit and i just really feel the urge to cut them all. They talk shit about everyone and it really pisses me off because... Who they fuck are they? They're little douchey cunts who hide behind each other and act like they're pimp shit when they're really not. Get over yourselves.
9. ??
I hate this. Frankie's always pouring his heart out to me and all I want to do is tell him to back off. And stay far, far away. I think that makes me a bitch. But I'm just not the clingy person. Yes, I like to have conversations but I don't always want to be optimistic. I'M NOT A GOD DAMNED OPTIMIST. I'm a straight up cynic. And I don't think I can stand being with someone that's always going to want to be so close with me. Especially when all of this drama is going on. I'm almost scared to hang out with him because I'm scared I'll just snap and scream "BACK THE FUCK UP!!" ...God I'm a bad person.
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